How I fell in live with the HalfBlood Prince
by snickerdoodlepurplebunnies
Summary: "Because you said her name, you said the name of a muggleborn, of his mother, of the one Voldemort killed, you wouldn't love her if you truly followed him!"


I would say that I always loved him, but that's not the case. I wasn't in love with him when I was a short and frightened 11 year old, in fact he scared me quite a bit. His cold stare, and monotone commands sent chills down my spine and made me want to hide under my desk. My opinion wasn't rare, everybody feared the man who seemed to love no one and lived to hurt us.

I think it started at the end of that year, when my best friend was taken. Ginny Weasley disappeared, and the teachers said she was taken into the chamber of secrets. I couldn't handle it, I was terrified. Most of my teachers understood and took pity on me, but when I ruined my potion I was nervous about the consequences. However, when he observed my muddy potion that should have been a mint green, he just told me to add some more toad eyes and walked away. Other's were shocked as well, because normally our potions master would mock me about my failure, and give me a T for the assignment. That one allowance, a bit of sympathy made me smile for the first time that day.

I began to like him in my third year, the year of the Triwizard tournament. I was an insecure girl, almost as tall as Ginny's brother Ron, and skinny as a pole. I was a pretty good witch, getting high grades in all of my classes and easily keeping up with my lessons. I always worked a little bit harder in potions, though. Being more accurate, helping other students more often, answering more questions than I normally would. I wanted him to give me the praise normally reserved for his Slytherin students, to notice the efforts I made to get his attention. I hardly noticed the tournament happening, mostly speculating about the outcome with Ginny and the other Gryffindors in out year. I would also talk with Luna, being one of the few people who believed her 'stories', maybe because I didn't see how anything she could have said could be more unbelievable than magic and unicorns. She and Ginny were the only ones who new about my feelings for the Professor, and while Ginny didn't understand it any more than another would, both accepted it and never divulged my secret, for which I will be eternally grateful.

When the Yule Ball came around, I desperately hoped that he would ask me, even though I knew it wouldn't be possible. I knew he could never ask me and he would never want to, but there was still that sliver of hope residing in my heart. Eventually that hope died, so I agreed to go with Terry Boot, a fourth year in Ravenclaw. He was a nice guy, and rather attractive, but he wasn't who I wanted. So I danced with him and talked to him and actually had a good time. I probably would have liked him, but my mind was set on another.

It was near the middle of my fifth year when I decided to take matters into my own hands. I had gone through the bad parts of puberty and emerged with the only the good parts still remaining. I had dated guys, including Terry Boot from the ball, but they all were just boys, and I wanted the man who had been in my head for the longest time. I told Ginny of my plan, and as disgusted as she was, she agreed to help me. It didn't require much, mainly all of the self confidence I could muster and as much luck I could receive.

I remember everything about that night, as though it was etched into my brain. I remember walking to the dungeon, wearing a large robe. I remember almost meeting Professor Flitwik on the way, but ducking into a nearby broom cupboard just in time. I remember going into his quarters and seeing the surprise on his face. Before he could ask me what I was doing, I dropped my robe, leaving me bare aside from the lace slip barely covering my body. I said, barely a whisper "hello Severus". He shook his head and said, in his standard annoyed tone, "I tend to get these sort of dares quite a bit, so if you could just go back to your dorm and say that you did whatever you were supposed to do I won't mention it." I smirked as my new lover's speech and said, "This isn't a joke, Severus". I walked over to him, my legs touching his "I want you". I sat down on his lap, straddling his waist. He tried to push me away from him, but I could feel that he wanted me so I held on to his chair. The thought that he would react similarly to any mildly attractive woman who passed puberty in this situation entered my mind, but I pushed it away. I bent down and kissed his neck and he said uncomfortably, "You are a student, you can't do this" and I said I didn't care in between kisses. I rubbed myself against him, and his voice strained further "There are many boys here who would enjoy your company, find one of them,". I looked at the man and said "They are all boys, and I want a man". He pushed me harder, but I was strong, and pressed myself further into his lap. He groaned and seemed to stop trying to push me off, so I returned to kissing his neck. He still attempted to get me off of him, but the attempts were very feeble. Eventually he seemed to stop trying and I grinned, only to frown when he moaned the name "Lily". Tears instantly sprang to my eyes, and I can't explain the sort of pain I felt at that moment. I instantly stood up and turned around, not looking at the man's face. I grabbed my robe and quickly wrapped it around my body, and ran back to my room. Ginny didn't question me, just hugged me until I cried myself to sleep.

I found out who Lily was a few days later, though the discovery was accidental. I was talking to Harry Potter, Ginny's current boyfriend, and he started talking about his mother. Her name was Lily Evans, and apparently she looked quite a bit like me. She had red hair, as I did and green eyes, as I did. I began to cry again, realizing he only reacted because he thought I was that girl he was in love with many years ago. The next day, I went to Hogsmead with Colin Creevy and did my best to push Severus out of my mind.

My sixth year was hell. When I discovered the person I loved was a death eater and responsible for the death of Professor Dumbledore, I refused to believe it. I threw away the prophet and ran whenever somebody mentioned it. I tried to come up with excuses for him, but none seemed to add up. I didn't really accept it until he became the new headmaster, and appointed the Carrows. It was torture to see him stand there while we were beaten, almost as bad as being the subject of the cruciates multiple times. I tried to hate him, assisted Dumbledore's army constantly and defying the Carrows at any opportunity, but a part of me still thought of him as the teacher who cut me some slack when my best friend was potentially dead, and I couldn't completely hate him. I snapped one day, while Ginny, Neville Longbottom, and I were being publicly tortured for stealing the sword of Gryffindor. In the back of my mind, the small portion that wasn't focused on the intense pain was looking at him, and saw a flash of pain cross his features. That broke me, and that night I went to his chambers once again. I said the word 'pureblood' to the statue and rised to the Headmaster's office. He was sitting in his chair, like he was a year ago, and seemed deep in thought. However, rather than a seductive whisper, I yelled "Why are you doing this?" He looked shocked and replied "Why am I doing what?" I gestured towards the office "This, the torture, everything!" I stormed over to his desk and leaned my hands on the wood and spit out "I know you're not a death eater, I know you aren't evil". He looked at me, seeming more menacing than I had ever seen him, but I didn't back down. He asked, "And how did you know this?" "Because you said her name, you said the name of a muggleborn, of his mother, of the one Voldemort killed, you wouldn't love her if you truly followed him!" His face showed such a deep pain that I didn't think I could handle hearing him speak, so I turned around and left the room.

After learning what happened to him, a large part of my life seemed to rot into dust and fly away with the wind. It was hard to deal with all of the death, but his was the hardest by far. I didn't know many of those who gave their lives in the battle, other than Colin, but I loved Severus for a long time, and it nearly broke my heart knowing he was gone. Luna and Ginny were there, Ginny had lost her brother so we helped each other heal, and Luna has suck a large heart that she helped both of us. Eventually we all managed to move on but those who were lost would always be with us. I would always remember the man who I feared, loved, hated, and loved again.

It was nearly 9 years when I met him again, however he was only a memory. After graduating, I became the second Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher who lasted for over a year, and many years later, I became Headmistress of Hogwarts. His painting was directly behind my desk, and while nobody was visiting and I had little to do, we would talk. We would talk about everything and anything. I learned about how he thought I was one of the better students in his class, and he learned that his sympathy towards me had such a large affect. It may have been odd that I really only knew the man I had such a large infatuation with after his death, but we couldn't really chat during potions class. The thing I truly found odd was that the more I actually talked to the man, the more he became a friend and mentor that a potential lover. That probably had to do with the fact that he was a portrait but I think it was because I wasn't in love with the Severus Snape who was a closet fan of Agatha Cristie and hated English tea. I was in love the Professor Snape who was dark and brooding and mysterious and seemed as though he just needed somebody to love him.

One day, as the end of the term, I got a letter. It was from Terry Boot, asking me if I wanted to meet for a butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks next week. I smiled and agreed in my response letter. When I sent the letter away, Severus asked "Who was that?" I smiled and replied "The new Potions Master".

AN: So what do you think? This has been in my head for a while and I just wanted to write it. It's rated T because nothing actually happens but if you think it should be M let me know okay thanks!


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